cute, funny, cool

I was reading this book about this woman's search for herself. In the middle of her journey, she found herself asking, "What am I really like? What do people think I am?" I looked up from my reading and found myself asking the same questions. So let's see...

People agree I'm cute. Well, actually I MAKE them agree. I'd ambush family and friends with my question, "Ang cute ko noh?". They'd give me this dumbfounded, wide-eyed look and they'd reply, "HA?". I'd take that as a “yes” anytime of the day!

Members from my church orgs tell me I've guided them well. I've been called a cool leader....well, "ma-cool-it" na leader that is. I'd have to agree with them... I AM "ma-cool-it"!

For most of my life I’ve heard it said – I am funny. And for most of my life, I’ve wondered if people meant “I-say-something-funny-haha” or if I was just funny looking. I know of a friend who bursts into soft chuckles every single time she sees me about to visit her office area. And this happens even before we get to chat. Now, wouldn’t you be wondering the same thing (if you're funny looking) if the same thing happens to you?

And to say I’m talkative is so obvious and an understatement I’m not even going to talk about it.

Quite a few people who’ve read my blog posts think my posts are inspiring or touching or witty or amusing. I’ve nothing witty or inspiring to say to this…except I’m humbled by it.

Humble – now that’s one thing I’m not. (I guess you can tell from the way this post is going).

As I was mulling over this episode, it hit me that I haven't asked the one question that truly matters: "How does God see me?"

I may get the whole world to see me as cute and funny and inspiring but at the end of this life, it's how He sees me that matters. If He doesn't find my thoughts or words or actions cute, or if He's not pleased at how funny I am, or if He doesn't think I'm leading/guiding or inspiring people to move in His direction, if He's not smiling down at me, then how I see myself or what others think of me do not matter at all.

Beyond this lifetime (a mother's love part 2 / maui experience 4th installment)

Maui, Hawaii. They say what happens in Vegas - well, in my case, Hawaii - stays in Hawaii. I'm going to tell you anyway.

A year has passed since my vacay in Hawaii. The few family and friends who knew of my travel plans wished me one thing - that I find Mr. Right (or rather Mr. Right Now) or that he find me, whichever comes first. They were clear and specific and adamant about it.

My life mentor's wish for me, however, was more...cryptic. Double-edged, if you will. Prophetic even. In her e-mail, she wrote, "May you find what you're looking for..." I knew she meant something (or someone) else but what I found was more than what I bargained for. Her wish was a prayer answered...

It was a gloriously sunny day, like most days, in Maui. And like most days during my two-week vacay, I went for runs along the sloping streets of the gated community in Wailuku. That day, however, I went for a long, slow walk with Inang.

Inang was my "Tita" Tessie's mother. Family called her Mamang but I called her Inang. She was old and skinny and wrinkly and forgot things, like most old folks. But she was such a sweet granny. When we're left alone in the house, we'd share long talks - well, she'd usually do all the talking mostly about her life during the war, her Japanese father, growing up and her family.

That day, as I geared up for my daily run, I saw Inang looking on so I asked her if she wanted to join me for a walk. With a smile that brightened the room, she readily agreed and hurriedly went to her room to change.

As I went out of the house to wait, I wondered if Inang was the reason I was led to Hawaii. I uttered a short prayer and asked God, "Lord, is SHE mommy? Will I get a chance to do things with mom, through Inang, that I wanted and would've and could've and should've done with her? Will I get a chance to hold mom one last time? Will I get to know if she has forgiven me? If she even knew how I cared for her?"

The moment I whispered my last bit of prayer, I saw Inang coming out of the house with long purposeful strides towards me. She came to a stop right before me, looked me in the eye and said, "Anak, salamat ha...salamat sa pagalaga mo sa 'kin." It was my mom. And with those simple words, she gave me what I needed. Atonement. Absolution. Forgiveness.

I choked back tears. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't speak. Arm in arm, Inang...or was it Mom...and I went on to what was to become our routine - long, slow walks along the streets of that small community in Maui.

No, I didn't find Mr. Right (Now)...I found something better...more than I bargained for...more than I deserved. I found what I was looking for. I found healing.

I told only three people about this when I got back from my trip - my sister, my life mentor and my spiritual teacher. I wanted to relish and cherish this amazing experience all to myself. But, after more than a year, I find myself still at awe at the remembrance of it, wanting to shout out God's ever merciful goodness and the force of a mother's love - beyond measure, beyond compare, beyond this lifetime.

John 14:27-28. 'I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father...