I'm afraid to fly, and I don't know why. I'm jealous of the people who are not afraid to die. It's just that I recall, back when I was small. Someone promised that they'd catch me but then they'd let me fall...
Oh wait, those are lines from a song (aaaadmit it...you were singin'...at nabitin ka!)
The lyrics seem to be the very words I've held onto except it's not flying I'm afraid of, it's the water, particularly big bodies of water like the ocean or a long flowing river simply because they're predictably unpredictable. And like the song, I recall those many times when I tried to learn how to swim. I could feel my heart jump to 200 beats per second (OA!) and I'd go into a state of frantic. And as I panic, I go down and pull down everything and everyone around me. My swimming "teachers" (including my dad) all but gave up on me. I gave up on me.
But I've been on a mission - to meet my fears head on!
So, as my girlfriends, Mela and Kristy, and I packed our stuff (including a fuchsia umbrella) and flew to Cagayan de Oro, I felt my heart pound every time I thought of the white water rafting adventure we'd scheduled. Ziplining, spelunking (with some minor planking) and walking on hanging bridges merely distracted me from my fears. It did not help that Kristy kept recalling the time she went rafting and their boat capsized not once, not twice but THREE...yes, THREE times!
My friends were considerate of my fears and had ourselves booked to take the beginner's course. But I knew they were itching to take the advanced rafting course which involves some large waves (21 in all), rocks, considerable drop and sharp maneuvers. And would take roughly four to five hours to complete.
I took another step to meeting my fears - I agreed to take the advanced whitewater experience.
As the cute raft guide gave out tips and instructions on what to do in case we fell overboard, I could not hear, much less understand him. I got stuck at “overboard” as my heart pounded in my ears.
I hang back as Mela and Kristy boarded our raft. I kept thinking, “Four hours in the water? Rough waters? Will there be a way to stop or go back in case…?”
Then I heard a distinct whisper. Loud and clear. “Trust your equipment.”
So in I went on our raft, sat on the sides and looked around for the “equipment”. With just a paddle in hand, I asked God, “What EQUIPMENT? WHAT EQUIPMEEEEENT?”
Before panic could set in, we were moving along and onto what I thought was our first rapid encounter, only to be told that the waves were not counted and were merely called JJ waves…JJ as in “joke joke” waves. These waves were just joke joke? To me they were MM waves already…MM as in major major!
As we rode the waves, paddled forward and backward, got splashed on and fell on our rafts (not overboard, thank God!), and embraced the raft guide (at least Kristy did) for balance, I finally knew what “equipment” God whispered to me about. It was my faith…I was equipped with faith enough to take steps to conquer my fears. I was equipped with His fatherly love and the knowledge that He will take care of me, of us. I was equipped with trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be…braving the rough waters and facing my fears. And I was equipped with friends who’d jump in with and for me.
A friend once asked what faith is. I could not explain it to her. Now, I can show her not with words but with snapshots of me trusting God, of me believing that He can and He did and will forever pull me through my “rough waters”.
