Beyond this lifetime (a mother's love part 2 / maui experience 4th installment)

Maui, Hawaii. They say what happens in Vegas - well, in my case, Hawaii - stays in Hawaii. I'm going to tell you anyway.

A year has passed since my vacay in Hawaii. The few family and friends who knew of my travel plans wished me one thing - that I find Mr. Right (or rather Mr. Right Now) or that he find me, whichever comes first. They were clear and specific and adamant about it.

My life mentor's wish for me, however, was more...cryptic. Double-edged, if you will. Prophetic even. In her e-mail, she wrote, "May you find what you're looking for..." I knew she meant something (or someone) else but what I found was more than what I bargained for. Her wish was a prayer answered...

It was a gloriously sunny day, like most days, in Maui. And like most days during my two-week vacay, I went for runs along the sloping streets of the gated community in Wailuku. That day, however, I went for a long, slow walk with Inang.

Inang was my "Tita" Tessie's mother. Family called her Mamang but I called her Inang. She was old and skinny and wrinkly and forgot things, like most old folks. But she was such a sweet granny. When we're left alone in the house, we'd share long talks - well, she'd usually do all the talking mostly about her life during the war, her Japanese father, growing up and her family.

That day, as I geared up for my daily run, I saw Inang looking on so I asked her if she wanted to join me for a walk. With a smile that brightened the room, she readily agreed and hurriedly went to her room to change.

As I went out of the house to wait, I wondered if Inang was the reason I was led to Hawaii. I uttered a short prayer and asked God, "Lord, is SHE mommy? Will I get a chance to do things with mom, through Inang, that I wanted and would've and could've and should've done with her? Will I get a chance to hold mom one last time? Will I get to know if she has forgiven me? If she even knew how I cared for her?"

The moment I whispered my last bit of prayer, I saw Inang coming out of the house with long purposeful strides towards me. She came to a stop right before me, looked me in the eye and said, "Anak, salamat ha...salamat sa pagalaga mo sa 'kin." It was my mom. And with those simple words, she gave me what I needed. Atonement. Absolution. Forgiveness.

I choked back tears. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't speak. Arm in arm, Inang...or was it Mom...and I went on to what was to become our routine - long, slow walks along the streets of that small community in Maui.

No, I didn't find Mr. Right (Now)...I found something better...more than I bargained for...more than I deserved. I found what I was looking for. I found healing.

I told only three people about this when I got back from my trip - my sister, my life mentor and my spiritual teacher. I wanted to relish and cherish this amazing experience all to myself. But, after more than a year, I find myself still at awe at the remembrance of it, wanting to shout out God's ever merciful goodness and the force of a mother's love - beyond measure, beyond compare, beyond this lifetime.

John 14:27-28. 'I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father...

answer to prayers

I used to wonder if God hears and answers every single one of my prayers and questions - if the road I was taking was indeed the one He meant for me to take or if His answer to my question was a “Yes” or a “No”, or if the decision I made was the right one.

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited by a friend to go to Mr. Ugot (or some mountain up north that sounds like it) on April 1, 2 and 3. I’ve never been there so I was really looking for an excuse to go. While still deciding on the invite, I bumped into a friend who also invited me to a recollection seminar on exactly the same dates. I was strongly inclined to accept the Mt. Ugot invitation. . . it was, after all, asked first. But then, my sister and bro-in-law gave me this book, “Go! You Are Sent” by Genie Summers. They actually bought several copies and asked the author to write a message/dedication in each book. In my book, Genie wrote, “To Maan, say ‘YES’ to Jesus!" So here I am, saying “Yes” to the recollection seminar.

Several months ago, while having a blogger’s block (something akin to writer’s block), I had one of my drama moments. While staring at the computer monitor, wondering how to make coherent all the thoughts swirling in my head, I asked God if there was any point to what I was doing. Is it all worth the effort? Is He pleased? Does anyone read my posts at all? (well… am grateful for the two or three who read them - one is my sister and the other, my bro-in-law hehehe). Then I received a text message from my cousin’s friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who doesn’t even know of my blog posts. In her text she said, “We won’t always know who we inspire or who gets encouraged or are strengthened by our words. . . but keep doing them anyway.” So here I am, writing them anyway.

When my mom passed away over four years ago, I was lost, to say the least. I had built and planned my life with my mom right in the middle of it. So with her gone, I felt lost. Alone. Bitter. Angry. Hateful. Lonely. But mostly, I felt guilty – guilty for not taking better care of her. I'd pushed family and friends away, always finding an excuse not to see anyone. I appreciated and at the same time resented those friends who wouldn't take no for an answer. The guilt and anger went on for 3-years. . . then, I don’t know when or how, but a gentle sort of persuasion eased me away from my anger and a quiet calm enveloped me.

Though I was slowly regaining my trust and faith, my days still drifted and I still felt a bit lost and in need of healing. I had so many questions left unanswered and I wondered where my life was headed...until I received that e-mail that would soon turn my perspective around. I've often talked about that e-mail. This is how it came about.

It was end of January of 2010 and my contract (along with 300 other personnel) with NPC had just ended. I wanted that day remembered so I documented it and made my “One Day Journal”. I e-mailed it to only a handful of people – my sister and very few friends - who knew what the situation was. But there was this tiny "makulit" voice in my head telling me…pushing me… to send the journal to this one person who was to become my reluctant life mentor. We're not even friends, at least not in the traditional sense, and the only e-mails I had previously sent her were office-related. I hesitated...but, in the end, the voice won and I e-mailed her the journal. She sent me a very short e-mail that would create a ripple effect in my life. It read: "We are where we should be". And it was then I realized that Mom was also exactly where she should be - by God's side, happy, content, eternal.

That e-mail of a lesson has made me more accepting of my life’s realities and has made me appreciate and embrace life's moments - good and bad. So here I am, exactly where I should be, alone but lonely and angry no more; no longer adrift but still going with the flow, but not just any flow...am going with God's flow.

Yes, God hears and answers my prayers. I just have to open myself to Him. It may be hints of a whisper while in prayer. Or through family and friends and, yes, even strangers. He uses books (the Bible in particular) and has even gone hi-tech and "sosyal" and makes use of texts and e-mails and Facebook. His answer may be instantaneous or it may take a while. It has been said that God's answer may not just be a plain "Yes" or "No", it could also be . . . "Wait". So here I am, trusting Him while waiting for answers and for His plan for me to fully unfold.

maui experience (2nd installment)

Hi prenships! I know I’ve already made a brief account of my vacation, but indulge me (please?) this moment to tell you a bit more (“more” being the operative word). I thought that by this time I would be over this euphoric (over!) state …but I realize that I hope I never get over this feeling and here’s why.

When I was making plans to go to the US of A, Hawaii was farthest from my mind. Firstly, because all I knew about Hawaii was that it’s surrounded by beaches…and I DON’T LIKE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!! Secondly...well, I just don’t like going to the beach! I had set my mind to going to either Michigan or LA where I knew I would be having fun because I would be among close friends. I came across a few hassles while planning for the Michigan or LA trip but I was insistent…and being stubborn about it (and to say that I’m stubborn and strong-willed is an understatement). Besides, the invitation to visit hawaii was issued a few years back by my mom’s close friends. They’re nice folks and good family friends but I had not seen nor spoken to them in yeeeears. And I wanted to be among friends and young people my own age (yeah, right!).

But a short email message sent by one of my bosses kept creeping up on me. In it she had said that “we are where we should be”. I have heard and read this line (or a version of it) a number of times like in a poem by St. Therese, in books, etc., but it was at this particular time in my life that it stuck and held meaning. So I decided to embrace it, to allow it to guide me and to just go with the flow…to trust that God is indeed in control.

My sister recalled the long-ago-issued invitation to Hawaii and I, braced with this new attitude, tried giving Hawaii a go and emailed the family just to see how things will go…and everything just went from there. I didn’t know what to expect from the trip. I wasn’t too excited about it because…well, have I mentioned that I don’t like the beach!? Little did I know that the trip held something much, much, more than fun and excitement. Sure I had those too, but the long stretches of beaches and lush mountains became something much more than sights to behold - they became symbols of love and forgiveness….God’s love and forgiveness. Every rainbow and sunset was a stamp of His overflowing generosity for us. It was like God was holding me tight and said that He will never let go. He has and will always carry me. I know all this may sound too much or dramatic, but that’s how it was for me.

A friend, after seeing my pictures of the flowers and the waters and the trees and the mountains, asked if I didn’t get bored in Hawaii . True, there were no theme parks or exciting rides and sprawling malls or casinos or amusement and gaming centers to go to….but how can I be bored when everyday I wake up in awe of the beauty of God’s creation? I found a renewed and overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation for life. Every moment there was like a prayer and a dialogue with God….whether I was doing my daily run or whale watching or merely basking under the sun.

I’m a worrywart and this letting go stuff is unfamiliar territory. So I asked Him to be patient with me as I learn to totally trust and just go with His flow.

Now I’m back home and back at work. I don’t know what’s in store for me or where I am headed and it scares me, but I pray that I am exactly where I should be and doing exactly what I should be doing. I’m learning the ropes to joyfully letting go and letting God. I pray that I can go with the flow and that it is God’s flow I’m going with.

To my “teacher” who sent the email message that was to become a lesson and to my “encouragers” who egged me on to just trust and brave the unknown …thanks!