cute, funny, cool

I was reading this book about this woman's search for herself. In the middle of her journey, she found herself asking, "What am I really like? What do people think I am?" I looked up from my reading and found myself asking the same questions. So let's see...

People agree I'm cute. Well, actually I MAKE them agree. I'd ambush family and friends with my question, "Ang cute ko noh?". They'd give me this dumbfounded, wide-eyed look and they'd reply, "HA?". I'd take that as a “yes” anytime of the day!

Members from my church orgs tell me I've guided them well. I've been called a cool leader....well, "ma-cool-it" na leader that is. I'd have to agree with them... I AM "ma-cool-it"!

For most of my life I’ve heard it said – I am funny. And for most of my life, I’ve wondered if people meant “I-say-something-funny-haha” or if I was just funny looking. I know of a friend who bursts into soft chuckles every single time she sees me about to visit her office area. And this happens even before we get to chat. Now, wouldn’t you be wondering the same thing (if you're funny looking) if the same thing happens to you?

And to say I’m talkative is so obvious and an understatement I’m not even going to talk about it.

Quite a few people who’ve read my blog posts think my posts are inspiring or touching or witty or amusing. I’ve nothing witty or inspiring to say to this…except I’m humbled by it.

Humble – now that’s one thing I’m not. (I guess you can tell from the way this post is going).

As I was mulling over this episode, it hit me that I haven't asked the one question that truly matters: "How does God see me?"

I may get the whole world to see me as cute and funny and inspiring but at the end of this life, it's how He sees me that matters. If He doesn't find my thoughts or words or actions cute, or if He's not pleased at how funny I am, or if He doesn't think I'm leading/guiding or inspiring people to move in His direction, if He's not smiling down at me, then how I see myself or what others think of me do not matter at all.

Beyond this lifetime (a mother's love part 2 / maui experience 4th installment)

Maui, Hawaii. They say what happens in Vegas - well, in my case, Hawaii - stays in Hawaii. I'm going to tell you anyway.

A year has passed since my vacay in Hawaii. The few family and friends who knew of my travel plans wished me one thing - that I find Mr. Right (or rather Mr. Right Now) or that he find me, whichever comes first. They were clear and specific and adamant about it.

My life mentor's wish for me, however, was more...cryptic. Double-edged, if you will. Prophetic even. In her e-mail, she wrote, "May you find what you're looking for..." I knew she meant something (or someone) else but what I found was more than what I bargained for. Her wish was a prayer answered...

It was a gloriously sunny day, like most days, in Maui. And like most days during my two-week vacay, I went for runs along the sloping streets of the gated community in Wailuku. That day, however, I went for a long, slow walk with Inang.

Inang was my "Tita" Tessie's mother. Family called her Mamang but I called her Inang. She was old and skinny and wrinkly and forgot things, like most old folks. But she was such a sweet granny. When we're left alone in the house, we'd share long talks - well, she'd usually do all the talking mostly about her life during the war, her Japanese father, growing up and her family.

That day, as I geared up for my daily run, I saw Inang looking on so I asked her if she wanted to join me for a walk. With a smile that brightened the room, she readily agreed and hurriedly went to her room to change.

As I went out of the house to wait, I wondered if Inang was the reason I was led to Hawaii. I uttered a short prayer and asked God, "Lord, is SHE mommy? Will I get a chance to do things with mom, through Inang, that I wanted and would've and could've and should've done with her? Will I get a chance to hold mom one last time? Will I get to know if she has forgiven me? If she even knew how I cared for her?"

The moment I whispered my last bit of prayer, I saw Inang coming out of the house with long purposeful strides towards me. She came to a stop right before me, looked me in the eye and said, "Anak, salamat ha...salamat sa pagalaga mo sa 'kin." It was my mom. And with those simple words, she gave me what I needed. Atonement. Absolution. Forgiveness.

I choked back tears. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't speak. Arm in arm, Inang...or was it Mom...and I went on to what was to become our routine - long, slow walks along the streets of that small community in Maui.

No, I didn't find Mr. Right (Now)...I found something better...more than I bargained for...more than I deserved. I found what I was looking for. I found healing.

I told only three people about this when I got back from my trip - my sister, my life mentor and my spiritual teacher. I wanted to relish and cherish this amazing experience all to myself. But, after more than a year, I find myself still at awe at the remembrance of it, wanting to shout out God's ever merciful goodness and the force of a mother's love - beyond measure, beyond compare, beyond this lifetime.

John 14:27-28. 'I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives.. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father...

Promises

God has a way of snapping me out of the blues and putting my views into perspective. Many a ways my Father talks to me – while in prayer, in books, mentors, friends, a song, a smile, an e-mail, even in an overheard conversation.

Recently, I was appointed to lead in preparing/organizing a recollection-seminar for our parish. The limited time, zero starting fund, lack of manpower and the dismal number of recruits for the seminar were making me angsty. I was beginning to have major, major doubts – on God’s purpose for putting me in such position, our efforts, our abilities, my trust. I never showed nor said any of my doubts to my members so I carried my frustrations by myself.

During our recruitment drive in church on one gloomy Sunday afternoon, I was manning our seminar registration table. Beside our table was a booth selling cds of the compilation of talks by a young inspiring priest named Father Jeffrey. The booth was a bit frenzied with people asking for signed copies of their cds.

I wasn't in the mood to join their frenzy. I felt just as gloomy as the weather. I was ready to call it quits. Things were not going well with our recruitment and our food sales fundraiser was put on halt. Then I heard a tiny voice amidst the loud crowd milling by the cd booth. A boy of about 7 or 8 was calling out and trying to get the attention of the young priest. "Father! Father! Bless mo ko!" the boy said animatedly.

Father Jeffrey looked up at this chirpy little boy, smiled at him and tousled his hair in greeting and blessing. The boy excitedly called out and ran to his mom and pulled her happily along to where Fr. Jeffrey was signing cd jackets. I looked at the mother who donned a smile so lovely and contagious as if telling the world she had no worries at all. The boy, with his mother in tow, said casually to the priest , "Father, may sakit ako. Bless mo ko?"

"Anong sakit mo?" asked Fr. Jeffrey

"Leukemia" the boy replied.

It was only then that I straightened from my seat to take a good look at the boy. He was wearing a surgical mask that covered half his face. But he was so happy. I saw happiness in his eyes. It broke my heart. I felt like crying but choked back the tears. The priest and the boy talked for a while, both seemingly in awe and wonder of each other. I couldn't hear the rest of their conversation - maybe I wasn't meant to hear any further. Maybe I was only meant to hear that short exchange.

The boy. His sickness. His smile. The mother's smile. These certainly put things into perspective. I was put to shame as I dared to answer, "And you say you have problems?"

I closed my eyes for a moment and said a short prayer for the boy...and for forgiveness. I once again allowed my struggles to overshadow God's countless blessings. Me of little faith. Me of little thanks. I recall reading this quote: “God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, grace for the trials comfort for the tears, help from above, light for the way and undying love”

Yes, there would be pain. There would be sorrow and rain. But He promised to give strength, grace, comfort, help, light and love. Am banking on His promises.

if only...at least

It has been sometime since that historic day. That day seemed like any typical uneventful Friday . . . until we learned of the earthquake and the tsunami tragedies that befell Japan. We were in the middle of work when we heard the news. We all stopped whatever it was were doing to take in what was happening. Everyone, in shock, had one thing to say or another.

Some said, not without dread, "Naku, kailangan magsisi na tayooo!"

There were those who prompted us, "Hoooy! Magbago na tayo noh!"

One, however, was more concerned with the pronunciation of tsunami and corrected "that it's not pronounced 'chunami' but 'sunami'" (Goodness!).

And of course there were those who fearfully called to mind the Mayan End of World Prophecy, "Baka nga magkatotoo yung hula sa 2012!"

Embarrassing though it may be, but the first thoughts that came to my mind was, "Dapat talaga mag-asawa na ‘ko...I don't want to leave this world not doing. . . something...anything!!! Heck no!" I even compromised my "list" and said to myself, "Ok na kahit X-men!” Problem is, not even X-men are making "patol". (sigh)

I know I'm making light of and downplaying a serious situation . . . a deadly serious situation. Truth of the matter, the images and footage that splashed on the internet and in the news horrified me. The thought of such disasters taking place here at home shook me (no pun intended). To say that it was heartbreaking is an understatement. It plain scared and saddened me.

The devastation that hit Japan made me see things in a totally different light. This has made me turn my “if only’s” to “at least”. So now, whenever I think -

…if only I am not alone, I say at least I have a sister and her family and my friends who, I’m pretty sure, care and love me. There were those who lost entire families;

…if only I were rich, I say at least I have enough to sustain me, and then some. There are millions in this world who are hungry;

…if only I had a better job, I say at least I have work. There are many who are without jobs or prospects;.

…if only my house is in tiptop shape…at least I have a roof over my head I can call my own. There are those who live on the streets;

…if only I had a newish car. At least my vintage (a.k.a., ancient) car has had its uses and has brought me to places and has been “of service” to many friends. There are those who walk miles just to get to where they’re going;

…if only I were beautiful…at least I’m cute. ‘nuff said!

We as a people complain just about everything - the weather, traffic, workload, finances, food, the government, the church, our bosses, being single, being married, having ids, not having kids, the noise, the silence. Nothing is ever good enough for us.

But armed with this new perspective, I have learned that there is an "at least" in every situation...even death. We will never know why God allows tragedies to happen, or the reasons for them, but one thing I do know and believe in...His plans, His actions, are far better and bigger than any of ours.

Funny God (Answer to Prayers 2)

God sometimes has a funny way of talking to me.

I attended a renewal/recollection seminar last weekend. During one of its reflection segments, I recalled how God snapped me out of one of my angsty moments that happened awhile back.

Two years or so into my Mom’s death, I was so bitter and angry at everything and everyone including my only sister that I shut everyone out. I refused to talk or even see family and friends for months. I resented those who ambushed their way into my life and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I went to hear Mass every single day angry, looking for peace, for answers. I found none. My prayers were no better. I lashed out at Him, questioning Him, doubting Him. One time in prayer when I was at my angriest, I finally just stopped talking, sat still and silent, long enough for Him to answer my lamentations. His answer was not that of a Father's or that of a Heavenly Being's but that of a barkada's. He said, in His usual serene one liner, "Arte mo!" That definitely snapped me out of my "kaartehan" and slowly got me out of the dumps I was in. You're so funny, God!

In my blog post "Answers to Prayers", I mentioned that I had said "Yes" to the invitation to attend this renewal/recollection seminar...but not without hesitation and grumbling. I decided to just give this renewal a shot. I had been so active with Singles for Christ it had burnt me out. I was not just visible in SFC, I was everywhere- LUZVIMIN! So this time, after being “absent” from service for some time, I had planned to keep it low key…to keep it slow. In fact, when the seminar was winding down, I had a serious conversation with God. I’d told Him “This is it! I had said “Yes” to You and this seminar. I attended it in spite of the LBM and menstrual pains but I’d like to keep it slow for now, ok? I’d get a feel of things first and keep it low for a while before I get in to the groove of things again. Ok? Ok!"

But I guess “slow" was not in His plan. During the "graduation" ceremonies, we were told that a new set of officers was selected to prepare and serve in the next seminar ...and what do you know - I was appointed President. "No way!" I screamed inside. When I heard my name called, I thought, "There's got to be a mistake, for crying out loud" (and at that moment, I really wished I could - cry out loud, I mean). That night I didn't pray - I begged! Appealed! Negotiated! Bargained! And begged some more! I have absolutely no idea what or how much work or time would be involved and this made me crazier than I already am. By following morning I was still freaking out. But then I opened this e-mail that said, "Relax. I (God) am still in charge." That made me smile, shake my head and heave a sigh in resignation... resignation to His will. So, here I am, relaxing (at least trying to) and letting Him take charge. You’re so funny, God!

answer to prayers

I used to wonder if God hears and answers every single one of my prayers and questions - if the road I was taking was indeed the one He meant for me to take or if His answer to my question was a “Yes” or a “No”, or if the decision I made was the right one.

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited by a friend to go to Mr. Ugot (or some mountain up north that sounds like it) on April 1, 2 and 3. I’ve never been there so I was really looking for an excuse to go. While still deciding on the invite, I bumped into a friend who also invited me to a recollection seminar on exactly the same dates. I was strongly inclined to accept the Mt. Ugot invitation. . . it was, after all, asked first. But then, my sister and bro-in-law gave me this book, “Go! You Are Sent” by Genie Summers. They actually bought several copies and asked the author to write a message/dedication in each book. In my book, Genie wrote, “To Maan, say ‘YES’ to Jesus!" So here I am, saying “Yes” to the recollection seminar.

Several months ago, while having a blogger’s block (something akin to writer’s block), I had one of my drama moments. While staring at the computer monitor, wondering how to make coherent all the thoughts swirling in my head, I asked God if there was any point to what I was doing. Is it all worth the effort? Is He pleased? Does anyone read my posts at all? (well… am grateful for the two or three who read them - one is my sister and the other, my bro-in-law hehehe). Then I received a text message from my cousin’s friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who doesn’t even know of my blog posts. In her text she said, “We won’t always know who we inspire or who gets encouraged or are strengthened by our words. . . but keep doing them anyway.” So here I am, writing them anyway.

When my mom passed away over four years ago, I was lost, to say the least. I had built and planned my life with my mom right in the middle of it. So with her gone, I felt lost. Alone. Bitter. Angry. Hateful. Lonely. But mostly, I felt guilty – guilty for not taking better care of her. I'd pushed family and friends away, always finding an excuse not to see anyone. I appreciated and at the same time resented those friends who wouldn't take no for an answer. The guilt and anger went on for 3-years. . . then, I don’t know when or how, but a gentle sort of persuasion eased me away from my anger and a quiet calm enveloped me.

Though I was slowly regaining my trust and faith, my days still drifted and I still felt a bit lost and in need of healing. I had so many questions left unanswered and I wondered where my life was headed...until I received that e-mail that would soon turn my perspective around. I've often talked about that e-mail. This is how it came about.

It was end of January of 2010 and my contract (along with 300 other personnel) with NPC had just ended. I wanted that day remembered so I documented it and made my “One Day Journal”. I e-mailed it to only a handful of people – my sister and very few friends - who knew what the situation was. But there was this tiny "makulit" voice in my head telling me…pushing me… to send the journal to this one person who was to become my reluctant life mentor. We're not even friends, at least not in the traditional sense, and the only e-mails I had previously sent her were office-related. I hesitated...but, in the end, the voice won and I e-mailed her the journal. She sent me a very short e-mail that would create a ripple effect in my life. It read: "We are where we should be". And it was then I realized that Mom was also exactly where she should be - by God's side, happy, content, eternal.

That e-mail of a lesson has made me more accepting of my life’s realities and has made me appreciate and embrace life's moments - good and bad. So here I am, exactly where I should be, alone but lonely and angry no more; no longer adrift but still going with the flow, but not just any flow...am going with God's flow.

Yes, God hears and answers my prayers. I just have to open myself to Him. It may be hints of a whisper while in prayer. Or through family and friends and, yes, even strangers. He uses books (the Bible in particular) and has even gone hi-tech and "sosyal" and makes use of texts and e-mails and Facebook. His answer may be instantaneous or it may take a while. It has been said that God's answer may not just be a plain "Yes" or "No", it could also be . . . "Wait". So here I am, trusting Him while waiting for answers and for His plan for me to fully unfold.

New Year's Clean Up

It's taking me forever to write this blog entry. I started writing this post right after New Year's. I thought by now I'd be done with my New Year's clean up job along with this post. I'm almost (almost) done with the clean up job but anyone who cleans house would agree that it's never done! But it's actually the personal clean up that I'm really having trouble with.

As is the tradition in many Filipino households, me and my yayas tried cleaning the rooms (I occupy two) before the year ended to usher in the New Year. "Tried" here IS the operative word. I started the New Year clean up going through my closets and sorting my clothes, shoes, bags, etc. I found quite a number of shoes that I had forgotten I even owned. I tried on some of the shoes to see if they still "feet" (get it? feet? fit? corny?)... and they did! But it took me forever to decide which among my lovely sandals or precious pumps or ridiculously pricey boots I was going to say goodbye to. I wasn't keen on wearing those shoes anymore but I could not bring myself to part with them.

As I was taking a breather and staring at all the stuff I decided to give away, an epiphany (as one of my friends calls it) metaphoric of what I was doing dawned on me - I realized that, more important than the mess in my closets, it's the messes in my life that I should be ridding of.

So after everything (again, almost) has been sorted out and packed away, I sat down in front of my work desk, just staring into space, thinking of the "garbage" in my life that I have to let go of. I took a notepad and wrote down what I wanted thrown out of my life. I started with a short list. But as the days grew longer, so did my list. And just like garbage schemes all over, I sorted out my list into "NAKAKABULOK" and "DI NAKAKABULOK". Alas, every single "garbage" in my heart fell into the "NAKAKABULOK" kind. My sins, pains, fears, doubts, habits, anger, prejudices, resentments - these are the "garbage" eating away at my heart and weighing me down. These keep me from truly and fully loving my Father. These leave very little room for blessings to come in to my life.

It’s taking me forever to write this post …because I am learning that that’s how long it would probably take me to fully do away with all the “trash” in my life. Human as I am, my “trash” just keeps coming back to haunt me…taunt me…tempt me. But I ain’t givin’ up! I am praying for and counting on God's grace and mercy for it is by God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will my heart be rid of these “garbage”. By God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will I receive His abundant blessings and gifts in spite of, on top of, regardless of the many “garbage” in my heart.

storms

It was a Friday evening. I was in Ortigas on my way to my sister's house for the weekend. As I was waiting for taxi, rains started pouring down. Correction - super heavy rains hammered the streets and anything in between (like me). People rushed to find shelter. They were running from all directions and I thought to myself, "Why do people run in the rain (and risk slipping and falling over) when they're already soaked anyway?"

But I digress.

It was ok at first - I had a big umbrella with me and I thought this was my chance to get a cab while my other "taxi hailer-rivals" decided to wait for the rain to stop. Less than an hour passed and still no taxi. I was in and out of the waiting shed (shade? shed?) and I was drenched! Then I started to feel weepy as I felt cold, tired, alone, hungry and dejected.

I tried to summon all positive force I could muster. I prayed in between sniffs. I called on all the angels in the heavens. I recited my daily dose of philosophy, "I am exactly where I should be" like a mantra. I recalled all those entries in my Simple Joys journal. I looked around and saw smiles amidst the rains. Still…to no avail. Then I tried focusing on one thing positive - my umbrella- and I thought to myself, “At least I have this big umbrella if only to keep me from being fully soaked from head to toe.” I think the heavens knew that my thanks was less than half-hearted because as soon as I mouthed the words, I felt rain drop on my head. I looked up and there, right at the top notch of the umbrella, a speck of rainwater peeked down on me as if to say, “Here we come!”

“Waaaaah!”

My write-ups and talks about trust and faith and believing and perspective came to mind and I felt such a hypocrite for not living up to them. I’ve been in worse situations and I remember God reigning supreme and victorious. But I still felt defeated. I know that the blessings far and infinitely outweigh any heartache and storm and pain. I know the rains will not last. And yet…. The one-hour downpour overshadowed the blessings of the rest of the day. I was more upset for feeling bad and ungrateful than with getting stuck in Ortigas amidst heavy rains.

I carried for a few days that feeling of hypocrisy and wonder and guilt for my shakeable faith… until I got this email that said, “Here’s the truth: Sometimes, God will lead you into a storm. Because storms are good. Storms shake you. And shaking is good. Shaking takes away your pride. It forces you to grow. ”

It was then that I understood. I was becoming too comfortable. I’ve become complacent. I’ve stopped growing. This storm, trivial though it was, shook my complacency and challenged my faith. And I failed miserably. This was a small storm and I know that more storms, figurative and literal, bigger and stronger, will come my way.

I have to admit that I am afraid. Afraid of the storms that I may have to face. Afraid of the pains it will cost me. Afraid that my faith is not...would not be strong enough to battle the storms. But shakeable as my faith may be, I also know that the Lord will not lead me into any storm where He will not carry me through. My faith may be shakeable but His love for me...never! So I will hold on to that thought 'til the next storm(s).

my first Valentine

I’d like to share this short prayer I had Valentine's day. _________________________________________________

Lord, I know it’s been a long time since I wrote to You. I’m sorry. But I know you hear my prayers. Today though is special.

I’d like to thank You for this happy kinda sad feeling as I remember dad today, Valentine’s day. It’s his birthday too and had he been alive, this day would have been one great celebration. It still is something to celebrate and I do (celebrate it). Thank You for giving him to us albeit only a short time…but it was a wonderful, fun, funny, amazing time. He loved You and Mama Mary so much that he wouldn’t have allowed Miles and me to live life not knowing You and Your loving Mother. His love for You was the greatest gift he could have given us.

I miss him terribly! I miss mom and dad, it hurts! But knowing that they’re with You takes the heartache away and brings with it a certain kind of joy I simply have no words for. I know that they're with you - for how can they not be when they spent their lives on earth loving and living for You? They loved You…but You loved them first, and I smile at that, Lord.

Thank You for my very first Valentine – my dad. I will forever love and miss him! Embrace him for me, please?