New Year's Clean Up

It's taking me forever to write this blog entry. I started writing this post right after New Year's. I thought by now I'd be done with my New Year's clean up job along with this post. I'm almost (almost) done with the clean up job but anyone who cleans house would agree that it's never done! But it's actually the personal clean up that I'm really having trouble with.

As is the tradition in many Filipino households, me and my yayas tried cleaning the rooms (I occupy two) before the year ended to usher in the New Year. "Tried" here IS the operative word. I started the New Year clean up going through my closets and sorting my clothes, shoes, bags, etc. I found quite a number of shoes that I had forgotten I even owned. I tried on some of the shoes to see if they still "feet" (get it? feet? fit? corny?)... and they did! But it took me forever to decide which among my lovely sandals or precious pumps or ridiculously pricey boots I was going to say goodbye to. I wasn't keen on wearing those shoes anymore but I could not bring myself to part with them.

As I was taking a breather and staring at all the stuff I decided to give away, an epiphany (as one of my friends calls it) metaphoric of what I was doing dawned on me - I realized that, more important than the mess in my closets, it's the messes in my life that I should be ridding of.

So after everything (again, almost) has been sorted out and packed away, I sat down in front of my work desk, just staring into space, thinking of the "garbage" in my life that I have to let go of. I took a notepad and wrote down what I wanted thrown out of my life. I started with a short list. But as the days grew longer, so did my list. And just like garbage schemes all over, I sorted out my list into "NAKAKABULOK" and "DI NAKAKABULOK". Alas, every single "garbage" in my heart fell into the "NAKAKABULOK" kind. My sins, pains, fears, doubts, habits, anger, prejudices, resentments - these are the "garbage" eating away at my heart and weighing me down. These keep me from truly and fully loving my Father. These leave very little room for blessings to come in to my life.

It’s taking me forever to write this post …because I am learning that that’s how long it would probably take me to fully do away with all the “trash” in my life. Human as I am, my “trash” just keeps coming back to haunt me…taunt me…tempt me. But I ain’t givin’ up! I am praying for and counting on God's grace and mercy for it is by God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will my heart be rid of these “garbage”. By God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will I receive His abundant blessings and gifts in spite of, on top of, regardless of the many “garbage” in my heart.