storms

It was a Friday evening. I was in Ortigas on my way to my sister's house for the weekend. As I was waiting for taxi, rains started pouring down. Correction - super heavy rains hammered the streets and anything in between (like me). People rushed to find shelter. They were running from all directions and I thought to myself, "Why do people run in the rain (and risk slipping and falling over) when they're already soaked anyway?"

But I digress.

It was ok at first - I had a big umbrella with me and I thought this was my chance to get a cab while my other "taxi hailer-rivals" decided to wait for the rain to stop. Less than an hour passed and still no taxi. I was in and out of the waiting shed (shade? shed?) and I was drenched! Then I started to feel weepy as I felt cold, tired, alone, hungry and dejected.

I tried to summon all positive force I could muster. I prayed in between sniffs. I called on all the angels in the heavens. I recited my daily dose of philosophy, "I am exactly where I should be" like a mantra. I recalled all those entries in my Simple Joys journal. I looked around and saw smiles amidst the rains. Still…to no avail. Then I tried focusing on one thing positive - my umbrella- and I thought to myself, “At least I have this big umbrella if only to keep me from being fully soaked from head to toe.” I think the heavens knew that my thanks was less than half-hearted because as soon as I mouthed the words, I felt rain drop on my head. I looked up and there, right at the top notch of the umbrella, a speck of rainwater peeked down on me as if to say, “Here we come!”

“Waaaaah!”

My write-ups and talks about trust and faith and believing and perspective came to mind and I felt such a hypocrite for not living up to them. I’ve been in worse situations and I remember God reigning supreme and victorious. But I still felt defeated. I know that the blessings far and infinitely outweigh any heartache and storm and pain. I know the rains will not last. And yet…. The one-hour downpour overshadowed the blessings of the rest of the day. I was more upset for feeling bad and ungrateful than with getting stuck in Ortigas amidst heavy rains.

I carried for a few days that feeling of hypocrisy and wonder and guilt for my shakeable faith… until I got this email that said, “Here’s the truth: Sometimes, God will lead you into a storm. Because storms are good. Storms shake you. And shaking is good. Shaking takes away your pride. It forces you to grow. ”

It was then that I understood. I was becoming too comfortable. I’ve become complacent. I’ve stopped growing. This storm, trivial though it was, shook my complacency and challenged my faith. And I failed miserably. This was a small storm and I know that more storms, figurative and literal, bigger and stronger, will come my way.

I have to admit that I am afraid. Afraid of the storms that I may have to face. Afraid of the pains it will cost me. Afraid that my faith is not...would not be strong enough to battle the storms. But shakeable as my faith may be, I also know that the Lord will not lead me into any storm where He will not carry me through. My faith may be shakeable but His love for me...never! So I will hold on to that thought 'til the next storm(s).