I had come across a video of this
10-year old girl, Jackie Evancho, belting out an operatic rendition of the
Lord’ Prayer.It was amazing! It was
gripping! Her performance was touching! And I thought to myself, “I have GOT to show this music vid to
mommy.She’d enjoy this!”
It took about 2 seconds for
reality to sink in – my mom’s not here anymore.It has been five years and I think of her all the time…but for the nth
time, I had actually forgotten I wouldn’t be going home to her funny and loving
presence.For the nth time, I had
forgotten she wasn’t waiting up for me on a late night.For the nth time I had forgotten I wouldn’t
be able to buy this blouse I saw in the mall which I thought perfect for
her.For the nth time I had actually forgotten she
is gone.
My view of the laptop screen
blurred as my eyes filled with tears, threatening to fall and ruin my make-up (J).I looked out the window, avoiding the eyes
of anyone looking on.Surprisingly, while
there was pain and heartache, I felt, more than anything else, blessed…wonderfully
blessed!Blessed to have had the fun
times with mom, the long talks, the lessons, the love.
Am once again reminded of how
short life is, of cherishing the here and the now, of appreciating – and showing
it to – the ones we love, of overlooking the flaws and centering on the good,
of how beautiful life is, of how generous and merciful our Father is.
Am once again reminded that though mom has gone on, I am not
alone.I have been gifted with an
awesome presence – YOU.
Wally, a colleague in the office, is a proud new father to a
cute 5-month old baby boy, Elijah. One
time, he was showing off pics from his mobile phone of baby Elijah with a big
toothless smile, of Elijah sitting awkwardly in-between cushions, of Elijah doing
absolutely doing nothing but look curiously at the camera. Wally was beaming with pride! And I wondered why…Elijah was doing what
every baby boy does.
Not to be outdone, I showed a video of my 7-month old
nephew, Inigo, being turned-over in a forward roll by his teacher at Little Gym
(Yes, 7-month old Inigo is already in school doing baby school stuff). I showed a video of Inigo crawling eagerly
to get a toy, of inigo drooling over a ball, of Inigo doing absolutely nothing
but look curiously at the camera. I was
a proud aunty! And then I understood why
Wally beamed with pride and joy.
I recall these moments with a smile….because as proud as
Wally and I were, I realized that must be exactly, may be even more, how our
Father looks at us. How loving and tender
He must look at us as we come to Him in thanksgiving. How He must look at us with compassionate and
kindly eyes as we come to Him, humbly asking for favors. How He must look at us with joyful eyes as
we show our love and compassion for the unlovable and generosity for the
needy. How He must beam with pride at
us…we are, after all, His children.
But children grow up.
And sometimes we grow to forget to give thanks. Sometimes we grow to think we can rely on our
own reasons and strengths. Sometimes we
grow to be indifferent and petulant and even unforgiving of those who have
less. Sometimes we forget our
Father. And it is at these moments when our
Father looks at us with eyes of pain and heartache.
Many times I have
caused that sad look in His eyes. Many a
times I have caused His heart to break. But still, I feel His
hand reach out in love as He blesses me in more ways than I deserve. He loves me still… in spite of my sinfulness. In fact, He sent His son FOR me.
I
long and will try my darndest to put that beam of pride and joy in my
Father's eyes. It IS going to be tough. It IS going to be long. It IS
going to be a challenge. It may take days....nay, years, maybe decades
even. No matter if it takes me 7... or 70 years...the beam of joy in my
Father's eyes will be well worth it.
The
long respite from blogging the goings-on in my life as an OFW has,
hopefully, come to an end as I embark on a new journey… and I mean “journey” in
the literal sense as the Training team relocated to its new base- CEBU CITY!
Just
when I was getting used to the life in Iloilo, a marching order for the whole
team to transfer to Cebu was issued. A new culture. A new
language. A new home. A new set of people to work with.
A whole new world! I bet it’s easier for a Manileno to adjust in
California than in Cebu…or maybe the problem’s just with me.
Everybody insists I should speak
Cebuano. The thing is, I have never had a penchant for
languages. Any language outside Tagalog or English simply is alien – mind
you, not just foreign, but totally alien to me! As I try to learn my way
around Cebu City, I needed to learn the Cebuano version of “bayad” – its
“pliti” And I swear, every single time I say “pliti” to pay my fare, I
hear in my head the song from West Side Story that goes, “I feel so
pliti, oh so pliti…”
When you’re in Cebu and you’re riding a
jeepney, I’d advise you to practice puckering up or keep in hand a five peso
coin. Urban Dictionary defines “pucker up” as sticking out your lips in
preparation for a kiss. So why “pucker up” or keep in hand a
five peso coin you ask? Well, one can do both or either of these things to signal the
driver that you’re getting off: 1) tap the hand rail three times
with the coin or; 2) “pucker up” and make a loud “tsup, tsup” kissy sound. No “para mama!”
And,
for the life of me, I always seem to be interchanging “dili” and “diri” (or is
it spelled “dire”?). So when I was ordering my snacks at a food
stall in Shopwise and the cashier asked, “Makaon dire?” A
bubble thought appeared before me as I tried translating what she just said:
was it “Dito mo kakainin (as in “for here”)?” or “Hindi
mo kakainin? (as in “to go”)? I simply stared right at
her and nodded my head in agreement to whatever she just said. I
decided that if she wrapped my food “to go” style, I’d simply unwrap and eat
it.
I’ve
totally decided to look for another room/apartment even if I have to pay double
what I’m paying now. I’m renting a
teeny-weeny tiny room in an apartment that I’m supposed to share with another
tenant. I hate to complain but to say I’m out of my “comfort zone”
is an understatement. Aside from the fact that I share the toilet
and bathroom with another tenant and “spiderman”, the only things I can do
in my room are: stand, turn and look around, bend over my luggage to get my
stuff and lie down on my bed. If I make any big moves, I’d
bump into things (the bed, the side table, my luggage, etc). Or
maybe it’s just I have too much stuff - I arrived in Iloilo with a
big luggage filled with what I thought I was all I needed. When I left
Iloilo, I brought with me my big luggage, two balikbayan boxes and two smaller
boxes… plus of course let’s not forget my foldable ever reliable comfy
mattress.
I’ve
been in Cebu City less than a week and so far:
1)I’m still so disoriented with the
public transpo system I had to ask bespren Randy to pick me up and drop me off
the apartment everyday. Maybe in a year’s time I’ll get the hang of it
2)I’ve been “chanced upon” – in
Tagalog “na-chansingan” ako when this guy rubbed his arm against
mine as we were walking along the busy streets of Fuente area. I
wonder though – was he really trying to RUB against me? Or was he trying
to ROB me of my watch? Hmmm….
3)I’ve been cursed at….at least I
think so. I really wouldn’t know since whatever they were saying (rather,
shouting) were alien to me. I guess there’s some good in not really
understanding an alien language hehe
Hey! All these sound so
familiar. They’re so like Manila! Maybe I’ll feel right at home sooner
than expected.
But there is one place I am so sure I am always welcome, one where I will never get lost in, one where I always feel at home in - it's my home in the loving arms of my Father and that is where I bask in when I feel alone and lost and questioning. HE places me right where I should be and right now, lost though I may be, in translation and among crowd and in the busy streets of Cebu City, I trust…I believe…I know I am where He wants me to be.
I had a most enlightening conversation with a 17-year old boy.
I was in Cebu recently on official business.One of the meetings we had was with the Executive Director of the Center for Industrial Technology and Enterprises (CITE), the school we’re dealing with for our company’s Dual Training System project.CITE is a college/school for boys so it was really no surprise that the boys stared, albeit politely, at moi, the lone female at that time (as far as I could tell) in the school.
As the long meeting was winding down over freshly brewed coffee, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room.Since it WAS a school for boys, finding a ladies’ room can be quite a challenge.I was told it was on the top floor and so up I went only to find myself lost among the labs and classrooms. I finally had to ask for directions from a group of boys who looked more like thirteen than seventeen.I was told the only ladies’ room was at the visitor’s lounge on the ground floor.I probably looked confused so one of them was kind enough to offer to walk with me.
On the way down, the boy sheepishly kept looking in my direction, as if trying to make up his mind whether to talk to me or not.He finally got the courage, squared his shoulders, cleared his throat and in a tiny, squeaky voice of an awkward boy, asked politely, “Dinadalaw nyo po anak nyo?”
With a smile still pasted on my lips, I told him I was there for a meeting. But my thoughts went, “Anak ka dyan! Anak ka ng…”
It has been a month-long Valentine celebration, I swear! I can still hear those mushy, cheezy lines –
“Dalawang bese lang kita gusto makita : Now and forever.” - Ang KESO mo!!
“Para kang centrum... coz u complete me!”- Baduy mo, ‘tiong!
"Pustiso ka ba?‘Coz I can’t smile without you.”- Ewwww!
And people certainly haven’t had enough yet of the love songs – they’re played on radios, on PCs, in the malls, sung by the staff at my back, he‘s about to piss me off!(bitter?)
One song – just a line really- by Karen Carpenter stuck in my head, “… and heaven is that moment when I looked into your eyes…” It was early Sunday morning.I was reading a book, seated by the fire escape stairway in my apartment building when I heard that song, that line, played for the nth time. I stopped my reading, rolled my eyes, annoyance seeping in.And then I looked out from my third floor view and there it was – my bit of heaven. The sky was gloriously blue and the sun was joyfully bright, as if smiling down at me.
And I understood.“Heaven is that moment” when I’m with my sister and her family.“Heaven is that moment” when amongst friends. “Heaven” is laughter. "Heaven is that moment" in prayer. “Heaven” is food.“Heaven” is work.“Heaven” is this little piece of room I now call my mini-home.“Heaven” is that e-mail or text from a friend."Heaven" is looking outside my balcony and marveling at my space flowers. “Heaven” is waking up to a new day, a new chance.“Heaven” is Isabel’s new wily story and Inigo’s chubby cheeks.“Heaven” is that sincere smile from a new friend.‘Heaven” is going with a friend to shop, to party, to bowl.“Heaven” is talking for hours with friends about anything and everything.“Heaven” is getting through pain.“Heaven” is knowing all is well.“Heaven” is this…talking to you. YOU are my bit of heaven.
I always, always have “moments of heaven” every single day.There is always something to be grateful for.But I guess I was looking so much at the lack, at the pain and fear and frustration, they blind me to see those heavenly moments. Focusing on what I don't have instead of the wealth of blessings that I do have rob me of the joys of these moments in heaven.
The song is called "I Just Fall In Love Again".Now wouldn't THAT be heavenly if I really just did fall in love again? But until such time (if ever), I will enjoy and be grateful for these many, many "moments of heaven".
One of my former bosses in NPC e-mailed and gave me an update on the dizzying amount of work she’s doing in the office. Her detailed account of the reports and letters and presentation materials she did on a Friday was enough to make my head spin. But her account made me look back at the work I did on that same Friday – at least 15 correspondences , 2 coordination/negotiations with training providers, review and processing of training requests, draft a training proposal and rehash of a concept paper. Whew! It’s no wonder I found myself with a stiff neck and a back ache with colds to boot as I stressed out trying to meet and beat deadlines.
My neck was so stiff and sore I thought I’d go get myself a massage at The Spa Elements once again. I was on my way there and as I neared their building and saw their signage, I vividly recalled the last (first actually) time I went there just a few weeks back.
The reception area was so cool and inviting it was enough to relax and de-stress anyone. With the package I chose, I was first given foot, hand and head massage. I was seated in one of those big cozy spa chairs as the girl masseuse started working on me – soaked my feet on a spa machine with essential oils followed by the foot and leg massage proper. I don’t know if I really got a “proper” foot massage because every single time she put pressure on my stressed feet/legs, I’d go, “Hee hee hee hee!” She’d stop and give me an amused look. She’d start again after a few moments and of course, I’d also go “Hee hee hee hee” again. It went on for the whole foot/leg massage session. My giggles were the only noise inside that hushed place. I thought I wasn’t ticklish anymore since I’m used to getting massages but I guess a few months without massage made me ticklish once again.
So we finally gave up on the foot/leg massage and off we went for my body massage. The slow circular and not-so-hard pressure on my back was so soothing. I had my eyes closed feeling my back muscles relaxing when all of a sudden, “Whack!” My eyes opened wide in surprise as the girl started giving me hard hitting karate chops!
“A-a-a-a-a-ya-ya-ya-ya-wow-wow-wow ko-ko-ko-ko-ko nya-nya-nya-nya-nyannnnn!” (ayaw ko nyan) I was saying. But of course she was done giving me karate chops when she finally stopped to ask, “Ha???” to which I replied, “’LA NA!!!”
That vivid memory made me finally decide I was better off without their massage and off I went and just took Alaxan FR. Sabi nga ni Manny Pacquiao - "Di ako takot umaray...may alaxanif ar!"
