weird...wired...

hi prenships! (i'm feeling chatty once again - when was i not?)

I took up Behavioral Science (Psychology) for a variety of reasons, one of which is my keen interest in people. I like people watching. I try to understand what makes a person tick. I like knowing the ins and outs of a person’s temperament – passions, response to triggers, perceptions, etc. In other words, I studied on how to become a better tsismosa!

Another reason, and I would say the major motivation, I studied Psychology was so I could understand the intricacies of the mind of odd-behaviored and weird people, a.k.a., ME. Family and friends find me strange…heck, I find me strange! For instance - if I’m in high spirits or in a stressed situation, I’d belt out a song (Marimar…ay!). If I feel sad or anxious or in a foul mood, I’d also burst into song. I feel like I’m Maria from the Sound of Music (my all-time fave movie which I’ve probably seen like 25 times already…again, odd!).

And dancing? Well…you know how some people would bob their heads or tap their feet at the sound of dance music? With me, I’d be doing my all-out strut or the churning butter or the moonwalk or shaking my booty wherever there's music - in malls, in the middle of a supermarket, in the beach, in the office, etc. Lucky family and friends who happened to be with me on such occasions would give me a piercing glare that said “Stop it! You’re embarrassing me!” I’d give an equally piercing glare that says “I know!.” Now, they’re so used to it they need not give me a glare…they’d just leave me in the middle of wherever and let me dance like a fool.

In documents or forms where I’d have to fill out I.C.E. (in case of emergency) details, I am sorely tempted to put my “wrong” guy’s name and number or Piolo Pascual’s (another wrong guy) if only I was certain that these guys would come for me in case there would indeed be a true emergency. And under the “Sex” box? I’d have written “Not yet,” Crazy!

Fashionista friends find it strange that I’d buy books over clothes and shoes (but between books and bags? no contest – bags, of course!) I have literally hundreds of books and what they find even stranger about it is I read these books (the good ones at least) more than once!

And my weirdness seems to have a way of rubbing off on people. One time, in one of my visits to the U.S., I asked my sister what she wanted for pasalubong. She said without blinking, “Ziplock.” WHAAAT??? If that isn’t weird I don’t know what is.

I have learned, however, that Pyschology is not an exact science and I am far from understanding people and am still clueless as to why I am the way I am.

So why am I telling you all these? Wala lang! Dyok!

There have been moments when I felt so common, or so different as the case may be…moments when I wished that I had a charming laugh or a body with a high metabolic rate (one that didn’t require rigorous exercising just to lose 1 lb a year) or longer shapely legs or smiling eyes or a pleasant personality (only because I hear that all the time) ….moments when I wished I was designed differently. But I guess my quirkiness sets me apart, making me different after all.

A recent e-mail from kerygma triggered these bouts of introspection (intro what?) and made me re-think how I see myself. The message says, “You tick in a certain way because that’s how God made you. You are God’s original design. Your personality, preferences, and passions are such because you were wired by Heaven to be that way.” Such message affirmed God’s love for me and the uniqueness with which I was created. No matter how common or different I may feel about myself, I know I am blessed and loved, more so because I have family and prends like you who also accept me without any judgment or agenda.

Just as I am an original creation, so are you a unique design of God…that mole on the face, the crooked teeth, that curly hair, that thin boney or small rounded fingers, that dark skin, those love handles, that funny laugh, that toothless grin, that bizarre sense of humor - every single feature in your bodies and personalities is loved by God and by so many. Know and believe that many are the happier for your presence in their lives. I know I am!

TRUST

Hi prenships! (you have to forgive me this long e-mail…I just lost my dog!)

I think I have a few of God’s lessons in life figured out. I don’t know about you, but It’s living them out that I seem to have a pretty difficult time doing. I’m fairly certain that quite a number of teachers in my life – my family, the nuns and teachers in my Catholic schools, the homilies, the teachings in Singles for Christ – had, in one version or another, taught the message that “we are exactly where we should be”. But, as I mentioned in a previous e-mail, it was only recently when I received that gift of an email that I truly appreciated the concept. It was then that it finally dawned on me that each and every…

trial
interruption
missed opportunity
delay
tear
pain
pleasure
friendship
email
family
death
birth
sunrise
sunset
triumph
defeat
hello
farewell
heat of the sun
drop of rain

…is a blessing from God. I guess it was only recently that I was ready to heed that lesson. But like all lessons, we have to take steps for the lesson to be fully learned. And like all lessons such as our ABCs and Do Re Mis, we have to do every song and dance over and over and over until we’ve fully mastered them.

I thought I had embraced and built my life around the notion that I am exactly where God has put me. When I first appreciated and embraced this new attitude, nothing…no problem, no long line in counter, no rude driver on the road, no heavy traffic, no amount of workload, no disappointment….was too big for me to handle. I thanked God at every opportunity and went to hear mass almost everyday in celebration of the gifts of every single day.

But embracing the lesson and actually living it out are entirely different things. It’s when we’re faced with real difficulties that our resolve is challenged. Of late, many things in my life seem to be going awry and out of control. It’s getting more and more difficult to find something to smile about and be grateful for when things are not going right. Work keeps piling up and I keep missing deadlines; repairs in the house and in my car and in my health and personal life are becoming too much to handle; and tonight, I just lost my dog! I’m getting overwhelmed and frustrated and impatient and worried and I’m wondering “what next?”. So while in prayer, I asked God why these things were happening to me. It wasn’t an accusing why-are-You-doing-this-to-me kind of question. True, I was screaming in my head but it was more like what-are-You-teaching-me-here kind of question. And the answer was instantaneous and loud…TRUST.

It was then I realized that I cannot fully embrace and appreciate where I am…that I am exactly where I should be… without totally trusting Him. My frustration and impatience and worry say that I have not entrusted to Him…

my love life (or lack of it)
every wound and pain in my life
every corner and nook and rusted nail and pest and hole and busted pipe
in the house
my car
my dog
my work
my finances
my health
my family
my loss
my entire life.

I should have realized and believed that it is when I am last, least and lost that He is carrying me. I should have called to mind who carried me during the worst days of my life - mom’s declining health, her death and the days after.

Yes, I know more problems would still come my way. Yes, i would experience heartaches. Yes, I may have to face financial difficulties. But I also know and trust that…

I am not alone
He is in control

“God will make a way when there seems to be no way”

He has placed me in this path
He gave me you, my friend
my dreams are on their way to fulfillment
He loves me

I am exactly where I should be.
I trust that you are too.

Smile! I am… in spite of myself .

kerengkeng update

Hola prenships! Or is it Jola in jejemon? I feel too old and tired for jejemon! But you, my prends, have assured me that one is never too old for kakerengkengan…well, at least the toned down and subtle variety anyway.

First of all, I would like to thank prenships who helped in my quest to join the world of kerengkengs. The response was surprisingly overwhelming. I didn’t know I needed that much help! Or that a lot of my prends have much to say on the matter. I really am such a late bloomer… in everything! (wink wink)

With the numerous replies I received, one common advice was ….smile more often! Do I really look that snotty? (not the nasal mucus kind but the slang lingo kind…as in snobbish) You know, I envy people with naturally smiling faces (or is it smiley faces?). It seems that they have a certain glow that draws people to them. I guess I simply am not one of them. I do try to put on a friendly face and a smile on but I feel like a mental retard with a smile on all the time! I don’t want to look more of an idiot than nature made me. And I feel like I’m developing face muscle cramps. But hey, if kakerengkengan starts with a smile…then smile away it is!

One friend commented for me to just continue with what I have started doing – wearing more girly outfits and shoes. It was then I realized that I have been (I guess subconsciously) for quite sometime making efforts to be more kerengkeng. One time, I attended a dinner party by the pool. The friends I went to the party with were wearing blouses and pants… I was wearing a kind of short-hemmed dress (for a tall girl it would have been a mini-dress or could even pass for a long blouse). They were all surprised and said, in not so many words, that I might just be a bit overdressed. I told them I didn’t care if all the guests were wearing pants or shorts or even bikinis…I WAS GOING TO THE PARTY IN MY DRESS!!! With matching cute wedge heeled sandals of course!

And speaking of shoes, just recently, I was in Edsa Shangrila strutting my butt down the halls of the mall and practicing my friendly smile when I realized another thing - kakerengkengan kills…the feet at least! As I was looking for the resto where I was to attend a dinner party, my smile was slowly turning into grimace. And it was because of these blasted heels! And the dinner was buffet! I have to walk to get food!?!

Kakerengkengan may kill my feet but heck, it’s proving to be fun! ‘til my next update….here’s a kerengkeng smile for you! c yah!

blogs....essays...thoughts

Hi prenships!

Prends have been commenting on my active status in facebook and in my e-mailing activities. Friends have been surprised at receiving quite chatty and sometimes downright OA e-mails. Some have called my e-mails as blogs (for the life of me, I don’t know what a blog means). One friend called them essays. I don’t know what these are called. I just thought I’d pen down my thoughts and share them to friends. I just thought I’d start talking to friends. And if you notice, I write the way I talk – long and non-stop!

I guess I should not be surprised at your being surprised (huh?). I know that for quite sometime (just after mom died), I have kept to myself and built a wall. So when friends…you…started receiving these e-mails, some actually wondered if something was up in my life. One asked if my lovelife was in full swing (I wish!). One wondered if I was high on something. Some expressed appreciation for the trust and confidence with these thoughts. One friend was actually concerned that I was undergoing some kind of depression and was reaching out to whoever. Awwww! That’s so sweet! Thank you! But no. I just thought it was time to tear down that wall. I guess it all started with my trip in Hawaii. I tell you, forgiveness is such a liberating experience. But mind you, I have not fully torn down the wall…but the bricks are slowly being chipped away. So please be patient with me. If you don’t hear from me for awhile or if I cannot go to a get-together or whatever shindig you have planned, I may just be in my “alone mood”. But if you don’t hear from me in two years, please panic (kidding!).

And if you are reading this email, or have read one of my recent emails, you are a friend and you helped and are helping chip down that wall. It doesn’t matter if my e-mails were just passed on or shared to you by a common friend, you have, in one way or another, touched my life. You have probably made me smile or laugh or think. Or you patiently listened to my long and boring stories or laughed at my corny jokes. Or you took time to read my e-mails (thank you for reading – hirap kaya mag-ingles!) …you are part of my life and I thank God for it….I thank God for you.

ang kerengkeng, bow!

I sent a shoutout (is that the right term?) on FB regarding flirtations. In it I asked, “at what age can single ladies still make kerengkeng?” I was trying to get a feel on the matter and as it turned out, many of my FB friends were encouraging – that is, encouraging me (and I suppose all single ladies as young as me) to make ‘kerengkeng’ RIGHT NOW! Although many were of the position that there is no age limit for single ladies to endeavor such…ahhh activity, it was deemed wise not to waste precious time lest one turns wrinkly and “kakerengkengan” becomes a nauseous experience for the onlookers.

I have always deemed myself as an artistic individual and I’ve ventured into various forms of arts – performance arts, fine arts, literary arts, the arts of singing and dancing and even a bit of culinary arts, – but I must admit I’m not so keen on the art of flirtation. I guess I don't have the talent (or is it skill) for it. During a discussion of sorts among friends, I was told that I lacked “kakerengkengan”, hence, the state of my love life…or lack of it. Well-meaning friends (and even those not-so-prenships – close tayo?) insist that I should learn and practice making “karengkengan”.

So, now that we have that settled (that I should be making “karengkeng”), the question I have for you now is how. I simply have no idea. This “karengkengan” stuff baffles me. Do I bat my eyelashes as if I just lost my contacts (and I don’t even wear contacts)? Do I wink at a guy until it looks like I have eye tics? Is putting my butt out effective or would it just make me look like I have scoliosis? Thrusting my breasts out? What breasts? And just so you know, stroking or toying with my hair doesn’t work for me – I look like an idiot! And don’t even think about suggesting that I lick my lips or touch my lips/teeth with my tongue – EWWW!

My more conservative friends gave me this piece of advice – “to simply be myself but to smile more”. But “being myself” does not work!!! If it did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. And I’ve been smiling for so long, my cheeks hurt!

I do go out on dates and it can be exhausting (that doesn’t sound right – no subliminal meaning intended here). Maybe I’m just meant to be “friends” with all my dates (so showbiz!). Maybe I just have to accept the fact that I’m not the “kerengkeng” type…or maybe it’s my friends who need to accept this. Or maybe….just maybe, the right “kerengkeng” move can do the trick. So…any tricks?

P.S. I didn’t post this on fb and just limited it to prenships (and a few not-so-prenships who I think can help…hehehe ). Don't see this as a desperate ploy, i'm just following advice and exploring options (yeah, right!).

dirty finger

I’m giving/showing everyone the dirty finger. That’s right – I’m flashing around the dirty finger and I’ve been doing so this past week….and I’m mighty proud of it! If you haven’t done so (giving everyone the dirty finger, that is), I urge you to do so. It’s a proud moment when you’ve flashed your dirty finger – it means you were involved in the force that’s molding history – you voted!

So here’s a dirty finger to you (well, what’s left of the ‘dirt’ anyway)!

meet my sister

hi prenships (and not so prenships)!

this mother's day i would like to honor and have everyone (and i mean everyone including those not in my address book) meet Ma. Emily Samonte-Mariano, my sister. She is fondly called Miles by family and friends...but i insist on calling her Emily. If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, then you're missing a lot. She's fun and funny and talented and easygoing and smart and has the gift of gab, so there is no boring moment with her (well, if you know me and are my friend then you'd agree she takes after me ).

But aside from her cool personality, she is the most generous and considerate sister i have (well, actually, she's the only sister i have )... so let me rephrase that...she's the most generous and considerate sister there is. And i'm pretty sure she's just as wonderful a daughter, wife, mother, friend, boss, etc. She never hesitates to help where it is needed and she doesn't ask anything in return. She is not just generous with her gifts but also with her time, patience, compliments, her talents, her resources...and not just with family and friends. The elderly at the home for the aged and the orphans/abandoned children at the Boystown can attest to her generosity. She gives until it hurts.

She loves openly and is not afraid to express it. She has a ready smile and 'thank you' not just to family or friends but to drivers and waiters and janitors and vendors and sales clerks and security guards and delivery boys and the masahista at the spa or the manikurista at the parlor. She treats everyone as her friend and sees everyone as brother/sister in Christ.

Ricky, her husband, is one blessed and lucky son-of-a....mother and father (hehehe). But I believe that because my sister has been kindhearted and God-loving/fearing, God has chosen to bless her with a sister like me ....este! husband like Ricky.

this mother's day, i would like to honor and thank Emily, my sister, for....everything. Why?because I don't have a gift for her - joke! because she is all what i have said....and more!

love you sis!

ate maan
(she's the only one who gets to call me "ate", ok?)