honestly?

Who knew that two-year olds can be diplomatic with their answers...or refreshingly honest (but brutal). My niece, Isabel, can certainly be both.

One night, after a hearty dinner, Isabel's mom, Miles and Nana (yaya) were preparing Isabel for bed. Nana pointed to mommy Miles and asked Isabel: "Taba ba 'yan, Isabel?"

Isabel blurted out, "Taba!"

Mommy Miles looked at her with this "what-did-just-say?" look and Isabel hastily changed her answer and said, "Ay busog lang! Busog! Busoooog!" Good answer! Nice save! Diplomatic comeback!

They say kids don't lie... I sometimes wish they would.

One Saturday afternoon, I babysat Isabel as Mommy Miles and Daddy Ricky went out on a date and watched the musicale, "Next to Normal" (that's me...almost normal). Isabel slept most of the afternoon. Since she's a restless sleeper, I laid down beside her while reading a book. After a few hours of sleep, she rolled on her side, stretched a bit, rolled again on her other side, opened her eyes and came face to face, eye to eye with me. As I gave her my sweetest smile, she stared at me for some moments before declaring: "Pangit Ninang".

Awesome!

Funny God (Answer to Prayers 2)

God sometimes has a funny way of talking to me.

I attended a renewal/recollection seminar last weekend. During one of its reflection segments, I recalled how God snapped me out of one of my angsty moments that happened awhile back.

Two years or so into my Mom’s death, I was so bitter and angry at everything and everyone including my only sister that I shut everyone out. I refused to talk or even see family and friends for months. I resented those who ambushed their way into my life and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I went to hear Mass every single day angry, looking for peace, for answers. I found none. My prayers were no better. I lashed out at Him, questioning Him, doubting Him. One time in prayer when I was at my angriest, I finally just stopped talking, sat still and silent, long enough for Him to answer my lamentations. His answer was not that of a Father's or that of a Heavenly Being's but that of a barkada's. He said, in His usual serene one liner, "Arte mo!" That definitely snapped me out of my "kaartehan" and slowly got me out of the dumps I was in. You're so funny, God!

In my blog post "Answers to Prayers", I mentioned that I had said "Yes" to the invitation to attend this renewal/recollection seminar...but not without hesitation and grumbling. I decided to just give this renewal a shot. I had been so active with Singles for Christ it had burnt me out. I was not just visible in SFC, I was everywhere- LUZVIMIN! So this time, after being “absent” from service for some time, I had planned to keep it low key…to keep it slow. In fact, when the seminar was winding down, I had a serious conversation with God. I’d told Him “This is it! I had said “Yes” to You and this seminar. I attended it in spite of the LBM and menstrual pains but I’d like to keep it slow for now, ok? I’d get a feel of things first and keep it low for a while before I get in to the groove of things again. Ok? Ok!"

But I guess “slow" was not in His plan. During the "graduation" ceremonies, we were told that a new set of officers was selected to prepare and serve in the next seminar ...and what do you know - I was appointed President. "No way!" I screamed inside. When I heard my name called, I thought, "There's got to be a mistake, for crying out loud" (and at that moment, I really wished I could - cry out loud, I mean). That night I didn't pray - I begged! Appealed! Negotiated! Bargained! And begged some more! I have absolutely no idea what or how much work or time would be involved and this made me crazier than I already am. By following morning I was still freaking out. But then I opened this e-mail that said, "Relax. I (God) am still in charge." That made me smile, shake my head and heave a sigh in resignation... resignation to His will. So, here I am, relaxing (at least trying to) and letting Him take charge. You’re so funny, God!

2-year old Isabel putting on make-up (picture blog)

2-year old Isabel checking out make-up









Isabel trying on blush

Isabel so engrossed and enjoying experimenting on make-up


The finished product!

answer to prayers

I used to wonder if God hears and answers every single one of my prayers and questions - if the road I was taking was indeed the one He meant for me to take or if His answer to my question was a “Yes” or a “No”, or if the decision I made was the right one.

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited by a friend to go to Mr. Ugot (or some mountain up north that sounds like it) on April 1, 2 and 3. I’ve never been there so I was really looking for an excuse to go. While still deciding on the invite, I bumped into a friend who also invited me to a recollection seminar on exactly the same dates. I was strongly inclined to accept the Mt. Ugot invitation. . . it was, after all, asked first. But then, my sister and bro-in-law gave me this book, “Go! You Are Sent” by Genie Summers. They actually bought several copies and asked the author to write a message/dedication in each book. In my book, Genie wrote, “To Maan, say ‘YES’ to Jesus!" So here I am, saying “Yes” to the recollection seminar.

Several months ago, while having a blogger’s block (something akin to writer’s block), I had one of my drama moments. While staring at the computer monitor, wondering how to make coherent all the thoughts swirling in my head, I asked God if there was any point to what I was doing. Is it all worth the effort? Is He pleased? Does anyone read my posts at all? (well… am grateful for the two or three who read them - one is my sister and the other, my bro-in-law hehehe). Then I received a text message from my cousin’s friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who doesn’t even know of my blog posts. In her text she said, “We won’t always know who we inspire or who gets encouraged or are strengthened by our words. . . but keep doing them anyway.” So here I am, writing them anyway.

When my mom passed away over four years ago, I was lost, to say the least. I had built and planned my life with my mom right in the middle of it. So with her gone, I felt lost. Alone. Bitter. Angry. Hateful. Lonely. But mostly, I felt guilty – guilty for not taking better care of her. I'd pushed family and friends away, always finding an excuse not to see anyone. I appreciated and at the same time resented those friends who wouldn't take no for an answer. The guilt and anger went on for 3-years. . . then, I don’t know when or how, but a gentle sort of persuasion eased me away from my anger and a quiet calm enveloped me.

Though I was slowly regaining my trust and faith, my days still drifted and I still felt a bit lost and in need of healing. I had so many questions left unanswered and I wondered where my life was headed...until I received that e-mail that would soon turn my perspective around. I've often talked about that e-mail. This is how it came about.

It was end of January of 2010 and my contract (along with 300 other personnel) with NPC had just ended. I wanted that day remembered so I documented it and made my “One Day Journal”. I e-mailed it to only a handful of people – my sister and very few friends - who knew what the situation was. But there was this tiny "makulit" voice in my head telling me…pushing me… to send the journal to this one person who was to become my reluctant life mentor. We're not even friends, at least not in the traditional sense, and the only e-mails I had previously sent her were office-related. I hesitated...but, in the end, the voice won and I e-mailed her the journal. She sent me a very short e-mail that would create a ripple effect in my life. It read: "We are where we should be". And it was then I realized that Mom was also exactly where she should be - by God's side, happy, content, eternal.

That e-mail of a lesson has made me more accepting of my life’s realities and has made me appreciate and embrace life's moments - good and bad. So here I am, exactly where I should be, alone but lonely and angry no more; no longer adrift but still going with the flow, but not just any flow...am going with God's flow.

Yes, God hears and answers my prayers. I just have to open myself to Him. It may be hints of a whisper while in prayer. Or through family and friends and, yes, even strangers. He uses books (the Bible in particular) and has even gone hi-tech and "sosyal" and makes use of texts and e-mails and Facebook. His answer may be instantaneous or it may take a while. It has been said that God's answer may not just be a plain "Yes" or "No", it could also be . . . "Wait". So here I am, trusting Him while waiting for answers and for His plan for me to fully unfold.

birthday suprise

A few months ago, I celebrated my birthday. For the first time since Mom passed away, I felt giddy enough to remember and celebrate it. But I didn't want to just celebrate my birthday...I wanted to celebrate God's goodness.

So I thought of holding a party...a big one! With 200 guests, I was thinking. Well, I was expecting 200 - but lo and behold, I was to celebrate the party with a little less than 300 partygoers. The guests? They're the lolos and lolas at the Lualhati ng Maynila, the home for the aged in the Boystown complex in Marikina .

I had really expected to party with only around 200 oldies, which was still quite a humongous number for me. But 300? The number was enough to give me palpitations. I mean that's like holding a debut or wedding reception.

For the past 10 years or so, my sister, Miles, has been throwing celebrations at Lualhati in honor of our dad's birthday. And for the past 10 years, I had never gone with Miles (who usually went with Mom, when she was still around, and Ricky) to any of the parties because just the thought of being with lolos and lolas who were abandoned by their families tugged at my heart and brought me to tears. I had only given support either in cash or in gifts.

I had originally planned on celebrating merienda with them. But the administrator requested if we could have supper instead. Miles, who was doing all the talking, agreed readily and even asked if there was anything else the oldies needed. Safeguard soap, we were told. I think my sister got so excited and carried away and forgot that I WAS GOING TO SPEND FOR THIS PARTY AND NOT HEEEEER!!!

Celebrating with merienda even for such a large crowd of 300 guests was manageable for me. But supper? I agreed anyway but not without some degree of panic.

My mom's favorite caterer and I agreed on pancit (for long life, op kors!), fish fillet and pineapple chicken. I wanted to give more than just food though and thought of giving them their requested soap. But providing supper to 300 people already streeeeeetched my budget.

But God knows the desires of my heart and surprised me with these miracles:

Drinks. Darling couple, Baby and Mon, didn't just join in the celebration...they provided the juice drinks in the party. Wow! Yahoo!

Clothes. Sweethearts, Evy and Henry, gave a bunch of nice clothes for the lolas. Woopee!

Safeguard soap. Now this was tricky. I sorely wanted to give the lolos and lolas their requested soap. So I went to the supermarket and canvassed. As I stood by the soap section, I computed like mad at how much it would cost me to supply each one with soap. Php8,000.00!!! Sigh! I whispered a prayer "Lord, I want to but...?

Miles’ friends, Ethel, Rica and Cindy wanted to go and party with the oldies but couldn’t. Instead, they gave their gifts (cash) to the lolos and lolas totaling – you guessed it – Php8,000.00!!! The lolos and lolas got their soaps.

Party people. The party couldn’t have been fun or special without my family and friends who took time to be with these lolos and lolas. Miles and Ricky, who were familiar faces to the oldies, chatted with the lolos and lolas like they were family. My friends, Baby, Mon, Mela and Atty. Kristy also became surrogate families as they chatted and cheered and danced and sang with the oldies.

I had expected to leave depressed and sad. Instead, I left the place feeling like a star. . . a Star For No Reason. I have never been kissed and hugged so much in my life. Every kiss and hug and smile humbled and overwhelmed me. Tears welled in my eyes and it took a Herculean effort for me not to give in to the tears.

I had not really intended to write about my birthday celebration lest it be told that I’m a show off. But I can't help but show off. . . show off God’s goodness and love, that is. How can I not tell friends of His loving kindness? Of His provision and of His miracles and gifts?

The lolos and lolas I'm sure were overjoyed with the visit, the food, the gifts, the dancing and the singing. Me? I (and I feel certain my family and friends felt the same) went away the richer and more blessed for it. It was indeed a celebration. . . of life, God's love, goodness and grace.

God is good!

not young (Miss Saigon Part 2)

How others see us and how we see ourselves are entirely worlds apart. I never thought of myself as "not young" (I deleted "old" from my vocabulary, remember?). I don't mean I see myself as "young-looking" but I think of myself as young in terms of energy, health, style, dance moves, fashion sense, memory...ok, scrap that...eyesight, ok, scrap that, too…you know what I'm getting at. But a dose of reality is like a splash of cold water on the face...and lately, I've had my share of reality one too many, it's like taking a bath instead of a mere splash on the face.

I remember going through the stalls at Ben Thanh Market in Vietnam. I was already done with my shopping in the malls in the city and was just whiling away the time browsing through curious finds in the market before I leave for the airport for my flight home. The Vietnamese typically look like the Chinese or the Korean so I stood out like a sore thumb and the tinderas could spot me, a tourist, a mile away. Since I was done with my shopping and I thought that any additional items I'd buy would not possibly fit into my luggage, I was able to hold off the temptation to shop... until I passed by these tinderas who asked, "You from Manila? Pilipino?"

Surprised, I replied, "Yes. How can you tell?"

The tinderas answered, "Cos you're very pretty, miss!"

I bought several souvenir items and bags after that. I am such a pushover! A sucker! Uto-uto to the max! But it didn't matter to me that I was such a sucker - I felt like a "pretty miss" all the way home.

Home, however, was a different story. As soon as I stepped out of the terminal looking for the airport taxi, this guy called out to me, "Ale! Ale! Dito taxi. OFW ka?"

(Sigh) From "pretty miss" to "ale". What next - "Manang?" (So long I'm not called "P're") Nothing like being called "Ale" to remind me that I'm...not young.

New Year's Clean Up

It's taking me forever to write this blog entry. I started writing this post right after New Year's. I thought by now I'd be done with my New Year's clean up job along with this post. I'm almost (almost) done with the clean up job but anyone who cleans house would agree that it's never done! But it's actually the personal clean up that I'm really having trouble with.

As is the tradition in many Filipino households, me and my yayas tried cleaning the rooms (I occupy two) before the year ended to usher in the New Year. "Tried" here IS the operative word. I started the New Year clean up going through my closets and sorting my clothes, shoes, bags, etc. I found quite a number of shoes that I had forgotten I even owned. I tried on some of the shoes to see if they still "feet" (get it? feet? fit? corny?)... and they did! But it took me forever to decide which among my lovely sandals or precious pumps or ridiculously pricey boots I was going to say goodbye to. I wasn't keen on wearing those shoes anymore but I could not bring myself to part with them.

As I was taking a breather and staring at all the stuff I decided to give away, an epiphany (as one of my friends calls it) metaphoric of what I was doing dawned on me - I realized that, more important than the mess in my closets, it's the messes in my life that I should be ridding of.

So after everything (again, almost) has been sorted out and packed away, I sat down in front of my work desk, just staring into space, thinking of the "garbage" in my life that I have to let go of. I took a notepad and wrote down what I wanted thrown out of my life. I started with a short list. But as the days grew longer, so did my list. And just like garbage schemes all over, I sorted out my list into "NAKAKABULOK" and "DI NAKAKABULOK". Alas, every single "garbage" in my heart fell into the "NAKAKABULOK" kind. My sins, pains, fears, doubts, habits, anger, prejudices, resentments - these are the "garbage" eating away at my heart and weighing me down. These keep me from truly and fully loving my Father. These leave very little room for blessings to come in to my life.

It’s taking me forever to write this post …because I am learning that that’s how long it would probably take me to fully do away with all the “trash” in my life. Human as I am, my “trash” just keeps coming back to haunt me…taunt me…tempt me. But I ain’t givin’ up! I am praying for and counting on God's grace and mercy for it is by God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will my heart be rid of these “garbage”. By God’s grace – and only by God’s grace – will I receive His abundant blessings and gifts in spite of, on top of, regardless of the many “garbage” in my heart.